Rediscover Communication
by Hallon
Summary: What if that last scene in Say Goodnight, Gracie wasn't the end? What if something happened that changed everything?


**A/N:** This is a rewrite, or maybe a continuation, I suppose of that last scene in _Say Goodnight Gracie_ , because I wanted to do something about that disastrous episode that, in the end, served no purpose whatsoever.

And, I absolutely love this song, and always wanted to do something with it. (Besides headers for LJ a long time ago. ;) )

Anyway, on with the story.

 **Disclaimer:** Gilmore girls is not mine. Not now, not ever.

* * *

 **Rediscover Communication**

She walks slowly to the bus stop, almost on autopilot, eyes trained to her shoes and her thoughts wandering. She hasn't been able to concentrate properly all day.

Not since she saw him on the bus that morning.

Was it only this morning? It feels like it's been an eternity.

She knows.

She didn't have to see the duffel bag on the floor beside him.

 _I thought you took an earlier bus._

She knows he's gone.

 _I can't go to the prom._

She doesn't know why, but she has a couple of guesses.

 _I couldn't get tickets._

She wonders why she couldn't be enough for him to stay.

And it makes her feel stupid, because he told her himself, just over a year ago, that his plan for the future was to get out of Stars Hollow.

She just hoped that he had somehow changed his mind. That maybe he wanted to stay.

For her.

 _Sorry_.

She has refused to cry all day, not wanting to believe that he's actually gone. Not wanting to appear that pathetic.

But now, as she closes up on the bus stop, the place where she saw him for the last time, she just can't keep the tears in anymore.

The last time.

Ever?

 _Yeah. I'll call you._

She finally looks up and stops mid step. She swears she actually stops breathing.

He's there.

He's right there. No more than ten feet away.

He's sitting on the bench, duffel bag at his feet, a tattered notebook clasped in his hands.

The tears keep streaming down her face, and she just stands there, watching, afraid to blink, because she's sure he will disappear as soon as she does.

But her eyes eventually start to hurt, so she blinks.

And when she opens them again, he's still there.

He looks defeated.

He's never looked like that. Always confident and sure of himself. Sometimes nervous, yes, but never like this.

Except that night after the accident.

That's how he looks now, sitting on that bench, staring at the notebook.

Someone suddenly laughs behind her and he starts, almost as if he's been sleeping, and his head whips up.

Their eyes meet, and he freezes, staring at her, a look in his eyes she's never seen before.

Except that night.

It looks almost like…fear.

She can still feel tears running down her cheeks, but doesn't bother wiping them away. She wants him to see what he has done, how he has made her feel.

She is the first to speak.

"Hi."

He blinks, once, almost in surprise. Then he looks back down at the notebook.

"Hi."

She walks over until she's only a few feet away.

"How long have you been sitting here?"

"Since about ten, I suppose."

"What are you…"

She trails off, not able to get the words out.

"Waiting. For you."

She doesn't say anything for a while. Doesn't know what to say. When she finally speaks, it's quiet, uncertain.

"Why?"

He glances up at her, just for a second, and takes a deep breath.

"I couldn't read. I've never not been able to read, but I just…couldn't."

She stays silent, waiting.

"I found this notebook. I don't even remember packing it. And I started writing."

He's silent for a moment, and she finds herself speaking.

"What did you write?"

He takes a deep breath, still not looking up.

"I was trying to write a letter. For you. But when I looked at it later, it was the lyrics for a song."

"Oh."

"I read them and… I just… I don't know how to fix anything, I don't even know if there is anything left to fix. I just know I don't want that to be us."

She nods, although she doesn't really know why.

"You were leaving."

Another deep breath.

"Yes."

She can feel new tears threatening to fall, but blinks them away.

"Oh."

"I'm sorry."

"Can I see?"

"What?"

"The lyrics. Can I see?"

He doesn't answer, just leafs through the notebook and holds it out for her, open. She takes it and before she can think about it, sits down next to him.

Not touching.

She reads carefully.

At the top of the page is her name.

 _Rory_

She loves the way he writes it, with the slight curl of the y.

She remembers the song, listening to the CD up in the apartment over the diner. Remembers kissing him on the couch, wandering hands exploring soft skin.

She remembers how this song made her sad.

Now isn't any different.

* * *

 _I know the pieces fit 'cause I watched them fall away, mildewed and smoldering fundamental differing_

 _pure intention juxtaposed will set two lovers souls in motion, disintegrating as it goes testing our communication_

 _the light that fueled our fire then has burned a hole between us, so we cannot seem to reach an end crippling our communication_

 _I know the pieces fit 'cause I watched them tumble down, no **my** fault none **I'm** to blame_ _it doesn't mean I don't desire to_

 _point the finger blame the other watch the temple topple over, to bring the pieces back together rediscover communication_

 _the poetry that comes from the squaring off between, and the circling is worth it, finding beauty in the dissonance_

 _there was a time that the pieces fit but I watched them fall away, mildewed and smoldering strangled by our coveting_

 _I've done the math enough to know the dangers of our second guessing, doomed to crumble unless we grow and strengthen our communication_

 _cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any sense of compassion, between supposed lovers_

* * *

She sits for a long time, reading the words over and over. It's really quite beautiful, she thinks.

The changes he's made don't go unnoticed, but she doesn't say anything about them.

She doesn't say anything about it at all, not really wanting to get into that now. Instead she focuses on the present.

"How far did you get?"

He lets out a short, humorless laugh before he answers.

"About three miles outside of Hartford."

"So…"

She isn't quite sure what she wants to know, or how to phrase her question, so she just lets it hang in the air between them, letting him interpret it the way he wants.

"I walked back here."

"Oh."

He doesn't say anything more, and she supposes there isn't really anything to say to that.

But she can't let it stop there.

"Where are you going now?"

At first he just shrugs, and suddenly she's fighting the anger boiling in the pit of her stomach.

Or is it fear? She isn't sure.

"I don't have anywhere to go."

At those words she deflates.

"Oh."

"Luke kicked me out."

She blinks, not really comprehending what he says.

"What…why…?"

He shrugs again. That gesture she sort of hates, but can't help loving at the same time.

Now it infuriates her.

"We had a deal. I could come back if I went to school and graduated. I didn't."

She should have known this, she thinks. And in some way, she supposes she did.

"Oh. That's why you couldn't get tickets."

He just nods, looking if possible even more defeated.

Her mind starts running through different scenarios, thinking up possibilities, and before she knows it, she's speaking again.

"He was angry. Maybe he could change his mind…if you just ask…"

"No, he won't."

She frowns at this, at how certain he is of it.

"You don't know that."

"The only way he'd agree is if I take twelfth grade all over again. And I can't do that."

"But…"

He sighs, but finally looks up at her again.

She has to swallow down the lump in her throat when he does.

"No buts, Rory. I…can't. I know you love school, and I don't expect you to understand. But I just…can't go back there."

"Ok."

He takes a shaky breath beside her.

They sit in silence for a few minutes, and she runs all of it through her mind. There's still a lot of questions she wants to ask, and she goes for the easiest one first.

"Why didn't you tell me you were having trouble in school?"

He shakes his head.

"I wasn't. Not really. I just…wasn't there enough."

"How much…"

"Thirty-one days."

"Oh."

"I didn't think it was that much. I thought I had…"

He doesn't finish, but she can hear the hints of frustration in his voice.

She frowns, and suddenly something else makes perfect sense to her.

"You found out the day of the party, didn't you?"

She can see the answer in the way he slumps back further on the bench. Then he nods slowly.

"That's why you were in such a bad mood. I knew something was up."

He stays silent beside her.

"Why didn't you just tell me?"

He doesn't say anything for a long time, and she almost starts to think he isn't going to answer.

When he finally does, his voice is quiet.

"I didn't know how. I just…couldn't get the words out."

It's her turn to fall silent as she lets his words sink in. She can feel the regret in them.

Silence overtakes them as the bus pulls up. She watches it, briefly pondering getting on, but doesn't. She's afraid she'll never see him again if she does, and once was enough for today.

He doesn't move a muscle.

Then the bus pulls out again, on its way to Stars Hollow.

Without her.

He doesn't question her staying.

She wonders for a moment if her mom will be worried, but dismisses the thought.

Instead she turns back to him, her words uncertain when she speaks.

"Where were you going? This morning."

It's not what she really wants to ask, but she doesn't dare ask that fateful question yet.

He's silent for a long time. Then he swallows.

"California."

She's stunned.

"Wow. Far away."

"Yeah. It is."

"Couldn't get much further away than that."

Her words are bitter, and she thinks she can see him flinch, almost as if she'd hit him.

"No, I suppose not."

"Why? Why California of all places?"

She's genuinely curious, because that is maybe the last place she could ever picture him.

"My father lives there. Apparently."

And he's done it again. She thinks by now she shouldn't be surprised by anything he says today.

"Your… But…how…?"

"He came to the diner last night."

She stares at him, trying to comprehend what it is he's saying. From what she knows, he's never met his father.

Well, before yesterday obviously.

"Oh. Wow."

"Said I looked different. Shocker, huh? I mean, how much can a person change in eighteen fucking years?"

It's the first real emotion he's shown since she came here and it isn't until that moment she realizes just how unnerved she's felt before.

And she thinks that, maybe for the first time, she gets just how lost he really is.

She thinks she should have noticed earlier, and the thought makes her even more sad.

"You were going after him."

It isn't a question.

He sighs, the anger slowly leaving him.

"Luke had kicked me out, probably couldn't wait for me to be gone. I couldn't bear going back to Liz and her flavor of the week. And you…"

He stops abruptly, but she doesn't dare say anything, or hardly move.

He runs a hand over his face, taking a deep breath before facing her.

"I'd just destroyed whatever future we might have had at that stupid party. Figured I had nothing left to lose."

She's stunned. Utterly and completely stunned.

And then she gets angry. She just can't help it.

"So you just decided to leave, huh? No thought to who it might hurt, just as long as you don't have to be there, right?"

He is staring at her now, frustration clearly written all over his face.

"That's not how it was. I wasn't…"

"Then how was it, huh? Tell me. I'd really like to know!"

"You grew up in freaking Stars Hollow, with a mother who'd do anything for you, and a town that treats you like their own little princess. How could you possibly understand what it's like…"

He suddenly sits straighter, his eyes boring into her.

"You want to know what I had before Stars Hollow? I had cockroach infested apartments, littered with beer cans and pot on a lucky day, booze and cocaine on a bad day, sleepless nights on the streets of New York and Liz's neglecting or abusive boyfriends. No one ever cared about me, so why should I care? Huh?"

"Jess…"

"And then I come here, and it's the same fucking story all over again. Everyone just loves to hate the bad boy, right? And then I meet you. And now the only thing I can think about is how I wish I knew how to not be me. Because maybe then I wouldn't have so royally screwed everything up with the only person I've ever loved!"

He slumps back against the back of the bench, but she hardly notices. Her head is swimming, overwhelmed with all this new information.

It's too much at once, and, oh God!

Did he just say he loved her?

She tastes salt, and lifts up a hand to her cheek. It comes back wet and she stares at it for a moment, not quite comprehending.

Strange, she never even noticed she started crying again.

He's still slumped beside her, his head rolled back and a hand covering his eyes.

She isn't sure what to do now. What to say.

"Jess…"

Then he speaks again, his voice choked, barely above a whisper.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said all that."

She just stares at him.

"You love me?"

He takes a deep breath before sitting straighter again, meeting her gaze.

His answer is simple.

"Yes."

She can see it then. So clearly that she's surprised she hasn't before.

"Jess… I…"

She can't get the words out, almost choking on them. And then she tastes salt again, a single tear rolling down her cheek.

One of his hands lift, almost of its own accord it seems, and reaches out for her cheek.

Then he realizes what he's doing and she can see the regret flitting through his eyes before he looks down, and the hand falls back in his lap.

She's disappointed. Already missing the touch that never came.

So she does something she probably shouldn't. She reaches over, grasping for his hand with hers.

The small touch is electric and she can feel her breath hitch in her throat.

He tenses, but only for a second. Then he slowly entwines his fingers with hers.

She watches their hands, how they fit so perfectly, and then his thumb moves slowly over the back of her hand.

The sparks that shoot up her arm almost make her gasp, and she stares in amazement at the small motion, in awe of how such a simple touch can cause her head to spin like this.

He takes another shaky breath beside her and her eyes shoot up to his face. He's staring at their hands, looking almost as if he's in pain.

"What are you thinking about?"

When he speaks, his voice is quiet, and it almost seems as if he's not aware he's saying the words out loud.

"That I never want to let you go."

"So don't."

"It's not that simple, Rory."

She can hear the defeat in his voice again, but this time it only makes her angry. Angry at him because she just knows he's about to give up agai.

"It could be. If you wanted to."

"Damn it Rory, don't you think I want this? I've never wanted anything in my life as much as I want you."

His words almost choke her up, because there's so much emotion in them. And all for her.

She never thought she'd hear anyone speak about her like that. Least of all him.

But right now, she needs to focus on the implications of his words.

"So why are you giving up? Huh?"

"I don't... Because. Nothing's changed."

She frowns.

"What do you mean?"

"I still have nowhere to live. I'm still flunking school. I still can't take you to prom. I still..."

"I know."

She interrupts him, because she doesn't want to hear the list again.

"And even if I should go back, there will still be all of these people who are never gonna think I'm good enough for you. And guess what? They're right."

That makes her take pause.

"What people?"

"Well, for starters your mother, and definitely your grandmother. Then there's Luke. Oh, and we can't forget about Dean."

She's frowning again, not believing what she hears.

"Since when does that bother you?"

"It always has. I just tried to ignore it. But it gets to you after a while, and you start thinking that if all of these people think the same thing, then maybe they have the right idea. What other explanation could there be? And it's just so damn tiring."

"But…"

He interrupts her, his voice once more quiet, sounding tired.

"And it matters to you."

She opens her mouth to protest, but can't get the words out, because she knows he's right.

He doesn't seem to notice, as he continues.

"And don't get me wrong here, I know I've given them plenty of reason to hate me. But I can't change who I am."

Then she finally speaks, because this she is sure of."

"I don't want you to change."

He scoffs beside her, and she frowns.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I listened to that message. The one you told me to erase."

"Oh."

"I know what you want, and I don't know how to be that person. I'm not much for making plans. It's always just been me trying to survive. Granted, this past year or so have been different, but it's not something I can just switch off. I…"

She smiles sadly, because she's finally starting to understand.

"I'm sorry."

He looks confused.

"For what?"

"For all the things that has made you feel like that."

"Rory…"

She cuts him off, not wanting to hear his protests.

"I know you feel like everyone hates you, and I'm sorry if I ever gave you any reason to think I would too. I just…

She falters for a second before continuing.

"I don't want you to go."

She doesn't know how to interpret the way he looks at her, but she thinks it might be genuine curiosity.

"Why?"

Her answer is quiet, almost timid, but certain nonetheless.

"Because, I love you."

He's staring at her, a look of pure shock, and maybe…wonder, grazing his features. She can tell he's completely speechless, which she thinks is quite a feat in itself.

When he finally speaks, it's a single word, and it brings the lump back in her throat.

"How?"

She remembers reading it somewhere, but can't remember where or when. But the words come back to her then, and she smiles, despite everything.

" _When you love someone, you love them with their faults."_

He doesn't say anything, only his hand squeezes hers a little tighter.

"I read that somewhere. I think it was Hermann Hesse who said it."

"Huh."

She can't help but smile at his reply, because after all that's happened, that small word has both the ability to make her completely frustrated, and smile like an idiot.

"What now?"

His question startles her. She knows what she wants, but at the same time she can't just forget that he was about to leave this morning.

In the end, she decides she mostly just wants him to stay.

"Come back with me?"

He blinks, surprised.

"What?"

"Come back to Stars Hollow with me."

He sighs, but she can tell he doesn't really want to protest.

"I still don't have anywhere to live. And I don't think Taylor would look kindly on me sleeping on a park bench."

"So, talk to Luke."

"And say what? I'm still not going back to school."

"You could get a GED."

The words are out of her mouth before she's even registered the thought.

She thinks he looks surprised. Then he nods.

"I... Maybe."

She can't help but feel some hope at that.

"I'll help you if you want. Talk to Luke I mean. He can't say no to the Gilmore charm, you know."

"No one can."

He grumbles, but she can see the slight twitch in his lip, and she smiles.

"Are you saying..."

She doesn't finish her question, hoping he will understand anyway.

"I just got a metaphorical ass kicking by Maynard, and ended up spending half a day on a really uncomfortable bench outside your school. I should be able to face being yelled at by Luke. Again."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

He takes a deep breath before facing her fully for the first time.

"I'm sorry. About...leaving. Being a complete idiot at that party. About school, and prom, and...well everything really."

"I know. And I'm sorry too. I never thought..."

He cuts her off before she can finish.

"I know."

They sit like that for a long time, and the only thing she can think about is how much she wants to kiss him.

It's not rational, she knows this. She should still be angry, and maybe she is.

But mostly, she's just relieved.

She knows he wants the same thing, and is oddly disappointed that he doesn't do anything about it.

Until she realizes he doesn't know if he's allowed to anymore.

Their hands are still linked together, but that's the only physical connection they've shared in two days.

And last time it didn't end so well.

Ultimately she just can't resist, so she leans in quickly, intending a short kiss, just to let him know it is still an option.

What she doesn't count on is the sudden urge for more, and when she finally pulls out of the kiss, she's out of breath.

"Well, at least that part still works."

His words are clearly a reference back to their first real kiss as a couple, and she can't help but smile.

"We'll figure the rest out."

His free hand strokes her cheek, and then he leans in for another kiss. She smiles, and kisses him back.

When the bus pulls up in front of them, effectivelly breaking the moment, Rory looks up at Jess questioningly.

He sighs, but gets up from the bench, hauling his bag up on his shoulder before holding out his hand to her.

She grabs the until now forgotten notebook in her lap and then takes his hand, letting him pull her up beside him.

She follows him onto the bus, his hand still closed tightly on hers, and they sit down next to each other in the back, on the only two free adjacent seats in the whole bus.

She thinks it's kind of ironic.

But this time the feeling in her stomach isn't fear.

It's more like...hope.

Maybe it is just as the lyrics to that song say.

Maybe they just have to find the beauty in the dissonance.

* * *

 **A/N:** I must confess, I never quite got how Rory and Jess happened to be on the same bus without either of them noticing the other before they arrived in Hartford. Maybe there is more than one bus stop in Stars Hollow, but somehow I don't think so. And then there's the question of why Jess is even going to Hartford, which is in the completely opposite way of where he's going...

But, I suppose the explanation here is that it is TV.


End file.
